.Sunday, October 26, 2008 ' 11:55 PM Y
Love you for reading my blog :D
It has a been a long while ever since i last blogged. Had my birthday but if i could exchange this year's birthday with something, that would be my grandmother's health, her smile, her everything. I would dare to say that i am the luckiest grandchild born in this family. Anyone disagree that talk to me in my face. It goes way back when i was a little boy. 2years old? My mum and dad back then was busy working earning a living. And my grandmother together with my grandfather look after me. I was living with my grandparents and uncles and aunt at Bukit Ho Swee.
During my K1, by the way i didn't go to nursery. Poor family back then. So my grandfather always bring me to PAP for class and back home. Sometimes before going home, he will bring me eat fishball noodles. One event that my grandmother could not forget is that there was once at the staircase at our block, i told my grandmother to walk down carefully. She was so happy and proud that she start telling my mum, my dad, and uncles, and aunt, not sure if she told the neighbour. As i grew up and going into primary sch, school bus comes in. During those days, i always look forward to Sunday. Why? Coz grandmother and grandfather would go to Chinatown, Hua Yuan Hui Guan. It is some kind of Chinese club, has to do with their hometown in China. So my grandmother will go down every Sunday to play mahjong with her friends. So lucky me, i get to go there. It was an average size "shop house" size with second floor. So there is a staircase. So little children like me, loves to play staircase. I didn't really explore the second floor. So what was my grandfather doing at Hua Yuan Hui Guan? He would be watching Chinese chess game. As time goes by, i grew bored of the place. In the end, my grandfather would bring to Chinatown OG to see TOYS!!! Oh my god... So happy. I can spend hours and hours just looking at toys and not buying. Coz i know that my family is not wealthy. Just seeing these toys makes me very happy. I never ask my grandparent to buys toys for me. My toys normally is rewarded after injection. Sometimes my grandfather goes to the oldest Chinatown coffee shop to chit chat with his friends. Often talk about how bad the government is... So now me too complaining about our system. Times fly like bullets. my grandmother stopped play mahjong, as more grandchildren to look after (i guess maybe)... But my grandfather still goes down to chit chat. So like i said, as time goes by, many things happen, i move to my current home, and my grandparents move to choa chu kang. Then my primary school move to choa chu kang too when i was primary 6. Lucky me, i got to stay with my grandparents. Then one day my grandmother ask me to go buy 4-D with her. So i said "ok lor". In the end, we landed at Lot 1 shopping centre's food court eating chicken rice. Yah, it was a secret between me and my grandmother. Now it is out. This happen a few times. Later i feel that we shouldn't go out and eat. My grandmother has not much money so it is not right for her to treat. And i always wanted to treat her chicken rice and i never had a chance. She always say that i am student. Wait till i work and stuff like that.
Time flies again, my grandmother blur vision kick in. Can't see things clearly. Grandmother started to lose freedom due to safety is concerned. So by then we didn't go out to eat chicken rice. I think this would be my greatest regret. Grandmother grew older and older each day. Maybe start to become nagging and stuff like that. But i still dote my grandmother. Just say "orh", "ok"...
Four years ago, she discovered that she had breast cancer. As she felt some lumps. After check up. It is confirmed, 3rd stage. Oh my god, it felt like doomsday for me and of coz my family. Luckily, a successful ops and she lived. We were overjoyed. But when she left the ops theatre, her pale face breaks my heart.
A few weeks back, my grandmother complain of her backache that was so bad that she couldn't sleep. So my uncle bring her for scan and to our horror, there is a cancer cell at her lower backbone. Final stage. Immediately hospitalise. And from then she become weaker and weaker each day. No mood to eat, and she become thiner and thiner. Condition was bad, unpleasant. The cancer cells had spreaded to her liver. And her liver is not working properly and cause the stomach to unable to drain out much water from it. Everynight is a painful night. It is a living hell for her. In the day, she has pain killer, so since she can't sleep at night, she sleeps in the day. Then she starts to complain and wanting to go home. But we need the nurses and doctors to look into her condition.
Two days back, the pain is beyond barely, and now she is on morphine. It is a kind of very very powerful drug that numbs away all pain. But i guess that this is a sign too. My uncle said try to take it positively and be strong. I tried very hard to be strong but everytime i see my grandmother i couldn't take it. I am reaching my limit. I can't bear to see what my grandmother is going through. I know i can't hope for her to recover as there is no way, what can i hope for? Recently, the doctor said that my grandmother maybe left about one to two weeks. Another impact to me. Tonight, my mum is staying over in the hospital with her. Moments ago, my mum sms me saying that the doctor has increase her morphine dosage from 0.5ml/hr to 1ml/hr. Does this means that doomsday is one step closer? I don't want to know. I am too afraid to know. I need strength, a lot of strength...
